this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
