Can Purell be used as lube?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Randomize
