I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
