He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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