and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize