And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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