Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
