First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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