i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
