i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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