I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
