You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
