You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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