Little spoons don't ask big questions
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
