Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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