Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
