She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
