Sponge bath it is.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
