So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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