I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
