I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
