My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
