her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
