420 ftw
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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