2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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