So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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