there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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