I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
