My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
