So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
