i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
