I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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