I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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