either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
