Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
