Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
