Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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