it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
