i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
