Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
