He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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