im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
