if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
