My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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