There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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