booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
