he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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