Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
