I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
