i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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