if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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