I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
