genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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