Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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